Chimp confuses zookeeper by wearing gorilla outfit

Chicago, Illinois, USA.

Lincoln Park zoo in Chicago has of late been privy to a spate of animal related hijinx. On top of recent allegations of staff engaging in 'owl bothering', one plucky simian has reversed the trend and implemented activities characteristic of both his species, and namesake.

On the morning of October 27th, 'Cheeky' was nowhere to be seen in the chimpanzee enclosure. As keeper Mark Poloksac ventured in for further investigation, he was confronted with what he described as 'a big gorilla'. Despite simian sensitivity training, Poloksac immediatly began to flee in terror, but in doing so slipped on a conveniently placed banana skin. Falling on his well-cushioned rump, Poloksac sustained few injuries, other than abject humilation at the hands of his charges.

"As I went to stand up, the gorilla mask was removed, revealing Cheeky's laughing face," said Poloksac. "The rest of the enclousre suddenly came to life, as I was subjected to a cacophony of shrill monkey squarks, and pelted with rotting fruit. I was utterly humiliated. Those darn chimps will rue the day!"

Man uses ice cream cone as contraceptive

Trewlew, Patagonia, Argentina.

October 26th 2006

Inhabitants of a small Welsh-speaking community in Argentina had little reason to suspect wafer-based frozen dessert recepticles would play a part in bringing their tranquil community into disrepute. That was until local lad, Gruffudd Tomas, 24, began to implement his self-proclaimed 'fatherhood avoidance scheme'.

In attempt to better preserve his 'undulating white streams' by metaphorically linking semen to 'Mr Whippy'-style ice cream, Tomas considered he had devised a surefire way of preventing the birth of unwanted children, while dually inventing a high-calorie new snack.

Attempts to market the product ended in domestic violence last week when Tomas's partner, Myfanwy Jones, 19, protested harshly to her boyfriend's obscure demands. Doctors have commented that Mr Tomas is 'stable, but shards of wafer still await extraction from his duodenum'. There will be a hearing later this year.